Today I told a friend and mentor that he is a jerk. Does that count as a compliment?

For years I have always defined myself as an outsider. I was always different, not in a bad way, but always in a “I have to prove myself” kind of way. I have to run further, run faster, swim longer and come out dryer then everyone else around me; a classic over achiever.

I was never part of the inner circle anywhere. Always struggling to prove my worth, and I lacked self worth. Mothers of girls I would date would ask their daughters if they really wanted to have that type of life, a blue collar life. I would be told that I was just a grease monkey and my opinion wasn’t as really valuable or I didn’t know what I was talking about.

It has been a struggle for years for me to really feel confident. But recently I have been changing. Seeking validation and proving myself have become less important. I have been successful at church, and things in churchland are going in the right direction. In many ways I feel at peace with myself and know I am growing, changing and evolving into someone new.

My friend and mentor has been instrumental in helping get here. So today I told him he was a jerk. You see, because of his help I am happier. I also no longer know who I am though. This changing, growing and developing is rewarding, but it is also terrifying because for the first time in my life I do not know who I am anymore.

It is the undiscovered country.