I picked Martin of Tours…my name sake.

I did know the story, or should I say part of the story, of Martin. How he clothed the beggar with his clock that he tore and in the morning it was made whole again.

I knew of his dream about Satan appearing to him.

But I did not know some of the other miracles attributed to him, his lifestyle as monk, even when he was bishop and his distaste for politics and the gathering of bishops.

Have to say, I liked him before, now I think he rawks.

Alms, alms alms…it is what Lent is about. There are so many good charities in London that need assistance.

Tomorrow I will be serving at the Fellowship Centre as the Bishops are in the Cathedral blessing new oil to anoint the baptized and the dying, as is the custom on Maundy Thursday. What seems appropriate to me is that on the day that Christ washed the disciples feet to give us a model of ministry I will be in the Fellowship Centre serving.

So what better place to donate my $20 bucks today, then the place I will find myself serving tomorrow.

No sugar day…well, there went the double double for the day. It wasn’t all that difficult to cut sugar for a day. I had my coffee black, which is fine. I begged off cookies and treats. All in all it was a worth while exercise. Tasting coffee as coffee and not the over sweetened super rich cream that one gets from Tim Horton’s.

The sweetness in my life? Well I think that is in new relationships. At church we have done a book study, I am a Church Member, through lent with our neighbouring parish from the Lutheran Tradition, Redeemer Lutheran. Working with the other clergy was nice, and getting to know other Christians was better and practicing full communion was definitely sweet.

The challenge never stated if it was public or private confession. Not that I have anything against private confession. I do seek private confession on a regular basis myself. But I think the gist of this challenge is to open yourself to the world, not necessarily confessing a sin, but a secret. It is to be vulnerable.

For the many of you that know me, I am bombastic, gregarious and larger then life individual sometimes. Not meaning that I am awesome (which I am *wink wink*) but rather that I put forward a front of confidence and self assuredness.

I seem at ease with people and in most situations. I stride from problem to problem, person to person always seeming in control.

The secret…really I am terrified. I am terrified that I will fail. I am terrified that I will not be good enough. I am terrified of disappointing those I love.

My secret is that behind the strong and confident exterior is a very small and scared boy.

I was really looking forward to this challenge. I enjoy seeing how others worship. Unfortunately I have been just so busy leading up to Holy Week I took the time to finish some work for Good Friday. In essence challenged failed. I didn’t go.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t go. I will make this up in Eastertide.

Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone. A very poignant reading from John’s gospel and one we often need to be reminded off. One we take to heart at St Andrew Memorial

Whether in Lent, or anytime of year it is always good to be reminded that we all fall, we all sin. Some will sin one way and others another. Yet part of loving your neighbour has yourself is offering grace and mercy, and leaving the judgment to God.

There are two things that bother me. 1) Check book Christianity and 2) Donating things people don’t need.

I understand the basis of this challenge. To enrich the lives of kids and lessen the burden felt by the school system. The thing is, I have no idea what they need. I could go out and buy a bunch of stuff, paints, crayons and such. But they could also way too much of that and not enough construction paper.

So I am left in a pickle. I know what it is like when people donate too much of one thing and not enough of another. But I also know what it is like to simply write a cheque and walk away. There is no encounter with people. There is not the action of going to the store, buying something and delivering it. The writing of a cheque is impersonal.

So what to do when caught between the two positions? Cave and write a cheque. To assuage me of my guilt, I did pen a letter explaining the reasons for the cheque rather then art supplies.

This one is tough for me. Not because I don’t like the concept, but I normally either save all my garage sale items for the church’s garage sale, or I donate them to Goodwill or Mission Services.

But I do love the concept of having something that you no longer need and offering it to any who like to come and pick them up. So I decided that I would offer up my old golf clubs on Freecycle to any who want them.

They are like 30 some odd years old…and as of now..no takers

I have had many teachers throughout my academic career.

There were my instructors at Algonquin College for my Motor Vehicle Mechanics Certification. There were some really good professors at Carleton University, especially in my major of Philosophy. There have outstanding professors at Huron, both in my Master’s of Divinity and Master’s of Arts.

But there are a few that stand out. They are people that have greatly affected me and shaped me in my life and in my ministry. I prayed about it and I distilled it down to one professor. So I wrote that professor a thank you note and will deliver it later in the week.

This got me wondering…do we stop enough, look back and reflect upon all those people that helped us become who we are enough? Do we tell them thank you? Do we let them know how instrumental they were in our lives? And I would suspect the answer is not nearly enough.

So how will my note be received? I have no idea. But I do hope that it will make them smile, brighten their day and help affirm them in their vocation.

Yesterday I lit a virtual Candle. It was rather unsatisfying.

Today I lit a real candle for someone. Each time I passed by the candle I was reminded of the person I have been praying for. Each time I saw the light I was reminded of the light of Christ in each of us. Each time I passed the candle I was reminded of hope.

This is a practice I need to continue. Perhaps St Andrew Memorial could use a small votive station?

Sitting at my computer, working my way through the app to light a virtual candle seems like an inventive way to pray and light a candle for whatever is on your mind. And I was kind of looking forward to it in a way.

But then I lit the candle, left the page and promptly forgot about the candle I had “lit” and the prayers that were said. It felt like the hitting the like button on someones post on Facebook. Yes I read it, but I can’t be bothered to write something to you.

Lighting a real candle, it burns in front of you. The smoke rises up like incense, like our prayers to the Lord.

So while I love technology and find my ways of using the web for ministry and evangelism. This one just didn’t work for me.

Another fail.

I really wanted to bake a cake. Mostly cause I would love to eat said cake. But I was just so swamped yesterday that I just blew off my lenten challenge.

Of course bake a cake day couldn’t have been more appropriate, now could it? Just when I am too busy, too stressed and too flustered around comes some intentional time too put it all aside and just be for a little while.

So I didn’t bake a cake yesterday. But I do think I got the point of the challenge and I have learned from it.

So when I head home tonight, I promise that I will make it up, bake a cake…maybe some cookies and few other things. I will give myself the time to unwind and relax. And I might, just might have a glass of wine too.

It has been a very busy couple of weeks. As with most clergy I far too often forget to take my day off, or I schedule in to do just one or two “small” things. Let us not talk about scope creep at the moment.

Yet as I sit and read psalm 121 and let it sink in and reflect upon it all day it is good to know that I am being watched over. It takes a little of the burden off. In many ways it refreshes me because I know if I drop the ball, God will be there.

The lord shall watch over your going out and your coming in, from this time for the for evermore.

Be present, merciful God, and protect us in times of danger, so that we who are wearied by the changes and chances of this life may rest in your eternal changelessness; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

I have lived in many places and moved many times. I have slept in many beds and been a sojourner most of my life. Even now in parish ministry I realize that I am transient. Being a clergy person means you never have a church community of your own. You serve somewhere for a time, then you move to a new church. As much as I love St Andrew Memorial, I know I will not be there forever.

I have always had a sense of being listless.

Yet, Stratford and Carolyn’s and I’s house is also a home. It is a place that I work on, I garden, I fix, I have my tools and I look forward to coming home.

What am I grateful for? I am grateful for the home that Carolyn and I have made.

There used to be a time when I would stubbornly refuse to ask for help, on any number of tasks. These days though I am happy to ask for help, whether it is editing, or slaying gremlins that live in my computer or a various number of activities.

Asking for help reminds us of our vulnerability and that we are part of a greater whole, a collective, a body, the body of Christ.

On this day of my lenten challenge I did ask for help. After spending the day running errands, doing some video taping for RENEW and installing a trailer hitch on my sweeties’ car, I rushed off to see the hockey game with a friend (Stratford Cullitons won 3-1!!). I missed a crucial stop.

So I asked Carolyn for help, to make a run to the LCBO to pick up a bottle of wine for after the game. I think it counts.

Okay this is totally cheating for me and all other clergy. It is a lenten day off so to speak. The daily office is part of regular routine.

But I will say this. Praying the office each day takes dedication, but it is also like exercising. Once you start, you find a routine and flow. When you miss a day, you really miss a day and you feel it.

There is something great about starting the day being grateful to God and ending the day the same way that I love.

Tough challenge.

Mostly because all my lights already have compact florescent bulbs. I also don’t like to through out perfectly good stuff. So the few bulbs that are not compact florescent are still working.

Would it really be good stewardship of the earth to throw out a perfectly good light bulb? I don’t think so. So here is how I have solved my challenge dilemma.

I have bought a compact florescent bulb. And now I stand here, looking at a light, waiting for it to burn out so I can change it.

Waiting….

Waiting…

Waiting…

*snoring*

Okay, it is hard to blog when you are on an internet diet, just saying.

I woke up this morning, grabbed my phone and checked my messages. I skimmed Facebook and twitter, check the weather and read some news. I was getting ready to get out of bed and flipped over to the Lenten challenge of the day.

Internet diet…

Fail!!

So, I showered and headed into work. I stayed off the internet for the bulk of the day. But then there was an email or two that required immediate response. I also had to update Hootesuite for the church’s bible in a year reading. So I needed to be online a bit.

So, I told myself that I was on a diet, not a fast. I did only what was required and did not flitter time away on Facebook and Twitter. But I did realize how much I really on technology to do much of my daily life. But I also took the time to have lunch with a friend and re-connect. The face to face time was great. So maybe a little less Facebook and Twitter would be good, and more face to face time might help.

So armed with those learnings, as the day came to end, I will admit I caved. I played a couple of games of Candy Crush.

It wouldn’t be lent if we didn’t practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is at the heart of who we are as Christians. Jesus died on the cross so we may be forgiven, but also so that we may also forgive others and re-create the relationships that have been lost or damaged.

So I pondered the people in my life who I need to forgive. I thought of people from Ottawa, people in the church and people I work with in the city. I thought of all the people I need to forgive and let go of the resentment I hold.

Then I thought about myself. During this lenten journey I have discovered I am not the person I used to be, but am in fact growing into something new (hopefully better). That being said, while I may no longer be that person or how I used to define myself, I still haven’t forgiven Marty for the things he has done. I beat him up often, but I have never forgiven him.

So, Marty, I forgive you.

Not the most pleasant lenten challenge but it is important to educate ourselves about how we hurt one another.

The thing about it is this, as much as I read and as many images I have looked at there is one thing jumping out at me. The sanitization of this reporting. It is all so politically correct. Case and point for me is why are we calling it human trafficking? Is that like a traffic violation? Or the shipping of banned substances like cocaine? A little unsightly, but otherwise okay?

When did we stop calling slavery, slavery and instead sanitized it for the 6:00pm news? I am not sure, but I think if we want to put a stop to this, then we ought to call it what it is. Slavery.

Maybe if we do, it will cause people to choke on the bile it produces and be more active in finally eradicating slavery once and for all.

Having your own mug, or travel mug can cut down on a lot of un-needed waste. It is a good idea to have a travel mug and it is a great idea to make use of it; not just for the morning coffee but also for any coffee purchases throughout the day.

You have to admit though, my mug nicely sums up my ministry.

Today I told a friend and mentor that he is a jerk. Does that count as a compliment?

For years I have always defined myself as an outsider. I was always different, not in a bad way, but always in a “I have to prove myself” kind of way. I have to run further, run faster, swim longer and come out dryer then everyone else around me; a classic over achiever.

I was never part of the inner circle anywhere. Always struggling to prove my worth, and I lacked self worth. Mothers of girls I would date would ask their daughters if they really wanted to have that type of life, a blue collar life. I would be told that I was just a grease monkey and my opinion wasn’t as really valuable or I didn’t know what I was talking about.

It has been a struggle for years for me to really feel confident. But recently I have been changing. Seeking validation and proving myself have become less important. I have been successful at church, and things in churchland are going in the right direction. In many ways I feel at peace with myself and know I am growing, changing and evolving into someone new.

My friend and mentor has been instrumental in helping get here. So today I told him he was a jerk. You see, because of his help I am happier. I also no longer know who I am though. This changing, growing and developing is rewarding, but it is also terrifying because for the first time in my life I do not know who I am anymore.

It is the undiscovered country.

What does it mean to have someone know you? And I mean really know you; to know everything about you?

A comforting thought I am sure, but also terrifying. So while it means that God knows me; my thoughts, my heart and soul, and this can give great comfort it also means I can never hide. Everything I think and do God sees. Every nasty thought about the driver in front of me, or each time I covet my neighbours ass, or in this case car, God hears and sees.

There is not place to hide, but to be completely naked and exposed before God. While some find this comforting, I would prefer to have a fig leaf or two to hide behind.

As I do most of the cooking and cleaning at home, this challenge left me one messy option. Cleaning the kitty litter.

How do two little cats make such a mess I will never know. But I scoped, bagged and tossed out the litter and the challenge was completed.

Did I learn anything? Not sure. Have I grown as a person? Don’t think so. Have I banked good will? I think so. Maybe I can cash it in the next time the drains need to be cleaned out??

As a lenten discipline this is really a hard one. I had no idea how much negativity came from me each day. Whether it was to get annoyed at someone knocking on the door looking for the Consistory next door (just read the sign) or someone who frankly drives way to slowly, I do bitch a lot. A little too much in fact.

Many times throughout the day I had to stop myself and say no bitching and force myself to look at the positive side of the situation. The guy coming to the door looking for the Consistory was looking to pick up equipment for a parent, what a kind and loving act. The slow driver may have been looking for an address or simply being cautious.

Far too often we focus on the negative. We complain a lot. We rarely compliment or say positives. This was a good learning experience and one I hope to put into practice more often and not just on no Bitching Day.

I switched up my lenten devotions from last friday, turn off the car radio. Friday’s are my day off so I wasn’t likely to be driving. Yesterday was the day I switched to. And of course it was snowing so travel was longer and the silence in the car was deafening.

The first thing that happened is my mind kept wondering. Thoughts would bubble up and then I would see something and a new thought would just pop into my head. It was a total ADHD squirrel moment. I couldn’t seem to focus.

Now one would hope that solutions to problems would pop into my head. But nope. Just a continual stream that kept jumping tracks to the next topic.

So Challenge accepted, challenge finished…learnings, I need something to focus me and silence sucks.

Oh, and I think I have a bad wheel bearing in my car.

Today’s Lenten Challenge from St Andrew Memorial was to stare out the window until you see something of beauty you have never noticed before.

Okay I cheated. This morning was clericus, the monthly meeting of all the clerics in the Deanery of London. It was held at St Aiden’s here in London. St Aiden’s sits right on the edge of the sifton bog.

As we were praying this morning I glanced out the window and watch a deer move through the bog. Right in the middle of London is chaos, cars, people, traffic and this still moment of nature slowly passing through like a ghost. It was beautiful.

So no I didn’t stare out my window, but I did see something of beauty out of a window today. I think it counts.

Today’s Lenten challenge from St Andrew Memorial was to take 5 minutes of silence at noon.

This could have been easy for me since I work alone in the church most days. I am often in silence. But today I decided to really have 5 minutes of silence. I left my computer and phone, went into the sanctuary and sat there breathing for 5 minutes.

Know what I learned? 5 minutes is a long time!! Especially for an extrovert like myself. I am not sure this challenge helped me. Other then to practice my counting skills. Maybe if I try the 5 minutes of silence next time in a park or something…but then again that is me distracting myself with things around me. Which probably defeats the purpose.

Needless to say. Challenge completed. Not sure I learned anything.

Friday’s Lenten challenge from St Andrew Memorial Anglican Church was to turn the car radio off. Since Friday is my day off and I wasn’t driving it seemed fair that I switch days with another challenge.

Next Wednesday is donate 5 Items to the Goodwill. So on my day off I went through my closet and bagged up about 10 items I no longer wear or will wear again. I have set them in my car, and will take them to Mission Services rather then the Goodwill on Monday.

Who knew de-cluttering could be so helpful. I need to stay on top of keeping my life de-cluttered.

Thursday’s lenten observation from St Andrew Memorial Anglican Church was to walk, bike, car pool or bus. This was a hard one for me. Mostly cause I am a commuter. I live in one city and work in another. So to help accomplish the lenten challenge I drove to work, but bussed and walked to all my appointments.

What I experienced was people. I talked to a few random strangers at the bus stop, nodded hello to dozens of people on the street and had genuine human contact. I should do this more often…get out of the car and meet my neighbours.

Yesterday’s Lenten challenge from St Andrew Memorial Anglican Church was to pray for an enemy. You would think priest don’t have enemies, but unfortunately that isn’t true. Priest are human, and we hold grudges. So yesterday I prayed for one of my “Newmans” (Senfeild reference).

Do I think I have overcome my bitterness? No. But swallowing my pride and praying for the “other” is a good experience and especially helps me know that even if I disagree with others, I can still love them…if only at a distance for now.

And in case you are curious, no I didn’t pray for the Leafs…baby steps.

Over the course of the next forty days I will be reflecting on my lenten journey. In case you are not aware, lent is the time between Ash Wednesday (March 5th this year) and Easter (April 20th). And it does not include Sundays. Sundays are always a day of celebration when we celebrate the Eucharist (communion).

Some of the challenges from St Andrew Memorial are reflective, while others are about giving and still others are about seeing things for the first time. I hope you enjoy some of my reflections and engage in your own time of reflection as we prepare for Easter.

If you are interested in the Lenten Challenge or what to know the daily challenges you can follow St Andrew Memorial on Facebook.